I love the English language and meeting people from all over the world, so some of my blogs will be in English. I will let my intuition decide which message should be written in German and which in English. By the way, all I am writing is my personal perspective and no scientific text. Take what resonates and keep in mind that every single human being lives a very unique life and has their own view on things. Today, I want to share my history with meditation.
How it all started
When I was a kid, I spent quite some time alone in the woods and I still can remember the joy I felt when sitting on a stone in the sun and watching the flowers and butterflies. I guess those were my first moments of meditation. I connected with nature and became still and peaceful, inside and outside.
When I moved to the city and went to school I lost it a bit. But from time to time I climbed up a mountain in my hometown, and just sat there and watched the clouds. There is a monastery on this mountain and to me, it felt kind of magical up there. I always liked special places in nature.
I also spent a lot of time in my teenage years painting, writing, singing, dancing, and reading. Those golden moments, when I forgot everything around me were also like meditation.
After all, what is the purpose of meditation? To me, it is being 100% in the moment and in balance with heart, soul, mind, and body. All Chakras are open and flowing and all the elements are in harmony. It is a feeling of being 100% aligned with yourself and the world around you. You stop thinking and just let life flow through you. The love, the ideas, the movements… it is all there.
When I moved to Vienna and started working as a graphic designer at the age of 19, my life shifted from being surrounded by mountains and lakes to sitting in an office all day long and spending most evenings at home with my flatmates. It was a fun time. A lot of parties, a lot of traveling. Nature time? Not so much. Only when I was traveling I had that beautiful feeling while I was snorkeling or hiking…
My first trip to India
When I was 21, I went to India alone for 3 months. At that time, I had no real connection to religion and spirituality, although I was raised protestant. I participated in many religious acts but never felt a lot, I just liked the smell of incense and singing. I was rather convinced that there is nothing out there, no life after death, esoteric stuff is mostly superstition and religions divide people and cause conflict. Today I don’t think it is religion or religious practice that causes fighting, but the political misuse of religion. When it changes from something personal and intimate to a definition of right or wrong for a group and even a whole country. When groups identify through their religious agreement and cannot tolerate other groups believing different things. That is kind of the opposite of a positive spirituality which should increase love and tolerance…
So, although I was not consciously spiritual at that time, I still felt that strong pull to explore India, probably one of the most spiritual countries that exist. I immediately loved the people, the music, and the food. The immense diversity of colours, flavours and philosophies impressed me deeply. I saw Saddhus preaching at the lake, climbed up to mountain temples, talked to Brahmans, and participated in Pushas reciting mantras. I made my first contact with yoga and had magic moments alone in nature watching the sunsets of Goa, sitting on the rocks of Hampi and walking up the mountains near Pushkar lake. Back then I didn’t understand what I felt, I just knew I liked it. It felt real and it touched me.
Yoga and Meditation
When I came back, I wanted to stay in that beautiful Indian vibe and looked for a yoga teacher and found a really sweet Indian guy. He always smiled and taught a very gentle Hatha Yoga practice. At the end of his lessons, he guided us through a 5-minute-meditation. I went along with it without being really excited, because I thought meditation is boring. But after about 10 sessions, I had my first magic meditation moment – and that was everything but boring. I still can remember the feeling when I was so relaxed that I kind of left my body. I was just pure love and light. All my heavy thoughts were gone and I was full of hope and ideas.
I still didn’t connect this feeling to certain concepts of energy, I just thought that Yoga is great and went on with it. And kept on working on computers the whole day. I still can remember how many times I had back pain from 12 hours of sitting or pain in my hand from all that clicking. And when I got sick I needed to take antibiotics because my Angina was so bad… I was not really connected with my body and soul and certainly not with my spirituality.
When I was 30 I got married and had two kids in the years after the wedding. That change in life brought me back to nature. I took the kids to the forest as often as possible to let them climb trees, picnic and play with stones and pieces of wood. And I realized how much I had missed nature in all those years of working in offices.
Looking for answers
Then a lot of challenges were happening all at the same time, which ended in me being burned out and hungry for answers. What’s the purpose of life? What have I done so far that has meaning? Do I live up to my whole potential? What is my potential exactly? Do I limit myself and why do I do that? Am I acting or just reacting?
Looking for guidance I tried different kinds of healing techniques like classical psychotherapy, Shiatsu, Reiki, Prana Healing, Hypnosis, TCM and Shamanism. It was all helping me in different ways, but it was the shamanic drum that was the real start of my awakening. For the first time, I consciously felt energy moving through me. I could feel how my heart opened, old memories of me and my family tree came back, I saw former lives or connected with souls on a soul level for a Hoponopono. Synchronicities started showing up more and more and I felt a new bond with trees and animals.
I experienced so many magic moments during my spiritual honeymoon that I got a lot of motivation to practice, which led me to meditate daily in some way for 8 years. I had times when I spent the first two hours of the day just doing yoga, meditating and sometimes drumming and smudging. It made me stronger, happier and more inspired.
Mediation and self awareness
I tried all kinds of meditation and breath techniques and also drummed and traveled in other dimensions to explore all corners I could reach. I guess I had to be 35 to be able to see the universe, to be stable enough to handle the impact it can have. Before it might have been just too much information. Because the moment you see, you cannot unsee. And it´s not all just beautiful. And I think that’s one of the biggest blockages in meditation, that we are subconsciously afraid of the truths we find once we start digging. Because the moment we see things clearly, we have to take responsibility for our actions and sometimes change how we live. And daring to start a new, unknown life can take a lot of courage and effort.
After some years, my meditation practice became more and more efficient and reduced to basically laying down and switching into meditation mode. Drumming, listening to binary beats or guided meditations, smudging etc. is all lovely and I still do it, but it´s not necessary anymore.
My current meditation practice
First I do a body-scan. I feel what’s aching and „talk” to the different pains. Hello Backpain, who are you? What is your message to me? When did you enter my system? I go on as long as the pain is ready to go and then try to relax every muscle. Breathing deeply helps.
When my body is fine, I clear my thoughts. I let them all show up, salute them and then let them go.
I wait for emotions that want to show up. Emotions that had no space in my every day life. Sometimes I cry for something that happened days ago. Sometimes I have to laugh because I realize how funny my life sometimes is. I try to feel which needs inside of me are waiting to be met. Does my soul need some time alone in nature, or meeting friends or working on a project? Should I contact a certain person? It is this time when I often find new ideas. They just bubble up the moment I am relaxed enough to look at them.
When I am done releasing pains, thoughts and emotions and feel empty and open for new input, I sometimes connect with a certain energy. It is like visiting an inner library that is built in years of meditation.
If you have connected with your power animal a hundred times, at some point you learn how to switch into the feeling of this connection quickly. Or the connection to Mother Earth, to an element, to another soul. In the last years, one of my favourite energies to connect with is the Kundalini. If you ever felt it, you might understand why. I believe it is one really nice way to stay young, healthy and inspired…
And the longer I practice, the more I see how much more there is. It is kind of endless and I don’t think I will ever get anywhere specific. That is not what meditation is about. For me it is one way to gain clarity, inspiration, real connection and also health. Because since I talk to my body regularly, I feel much earlier when something is wrong. When I was a stressed freelancer and got a cold, I kept on working until I got really sick. Now, when the first sneeze comes, I try to lie down and sleep and meditate. Ginger Tea with honey and lemon is also a good idea. And more and more often the next day I am fine again.
This calendar quote „You have all the answers already inside of you.” is kind of true. But there should be a little disclaimer added. „If you are ready to practice for years and face all the shadows that will come up.” I can recommend finding a nice teacher or friend as support and backup to discuss all the questions that will arise when you were just looking for answers…
All the best,